It's so unavoidable. It's just like a threat. Something that tests the foundations of our relationship. We know that we’re strong. Even as the tornado that is jealousy tries to destroy us. We hold strong. But every time I see those people who once stole your affections from me, who hindered us, who threatened to put all my hard work to waste… I cannot help it. There’s always a tiny part of me that screams. That reminds me of what I’ve been through. That tells me I hate you. Or rather that I should. And then there’s the bigger part of me, telling the screamer to calm down. That I don’t actually hate him. That he is everything. That if I don’t stop thinking about the past, the screaming will get worse; the bitterness I feel towards the love of my life will never seem to end and that I could destroy everything through this one simple act. For letting the screamer be heard. So I muffle it. I hide how I’m really feeling. I allow myself to be mad. Mad that he reminded me. Mad that he made me want to hate him. And it eventually gets easier. Over time, things build up. Simple acts built up turn tiny things into big deals. Like things you’ve done before all add up, making me jealous from tiny things that don’t even seem important to you. And that’s really what hurts. And consequently makes me lash out. You don’t understand fully why. You know part of it. But you don’t see that every tiny thing you’ve done cannot be forgotten. My mind will not let me. My heart can’t hide the scars. So sometimes, when I’m alone, I have time to think. And sometimes this is where my mind wonders. I think of all the times I had to hear you talking about some other girl the way I wanted you to talk about me. I think of how I find myself jealous of people who have no interest in you whatsoever. Just because they’re pretty and you used to want them over me. I think of the people who spend time with you when I’m not there and how much I hate them for making life fun for you. How I hate them for being where I should be. I think of everything at once. And sometimes it really does affect me. Sometimes I have to cry it out. But other days I want to feel stronger. And as wrong as it is, you take the hits. I take it out on you. Because I can’t help thinking what if? What if they’d said yes? Would you have really left me on the curb, broken and lost? Would you really have been able to hurt me like that? You couldn’t now, but back then? Would you have cared for how I felt at all? Or would certain things have drawn you in too much? I know I read too much into things. But it is only by sheer luck that you are with me. Only by people turning you down did I get you. I was the last person you turned to. And you still get surprised when I get jealous of all those people you ever put before me. I wish, back then, I had made you chose. But the thought of losing you was too much to bear. And back then you were unpredictable. Everyone of the other people you wanted were strong, they had you waiting, had you wrapped around their little fingers. But me? I was different. I never wanted to pressure you. And it just makes me sad that you’d pick someone controlling over me. But I just can’t imagine my life without you. And it took us so long to get here; to be perfect. For you to want me. For me to want you. I can’t risk anything happening. I can risk losing you. Back then, I would have been heartbroken. Now, it would kill me. You are part of me. You mean everything and without you I am nothing. I am sorry that my head tells me to hate you sometimes. I could really never hate you. Nobody's perfect til you’re in love, right?
