The Truth.

I'm tired of everyone yelling at me. I want someone to actually ask me "What's wrong?", as if they really cared. People keep asking me what are my wants, and I'll always been wanting to scream it out loud, "To be HAPPY!" I'm feeling empty. Incomplete. Worthless. I'm lacking motivation, but all I want to be is successful. Sometimes I become too overwhelmed with my life. I just want everything to pause for one moment. Everything is just not the way I want it to be. I want to escape. Runaway. To be somewhere without feeling like a piece of me is missing. I’m tired of being so strong, of having to act like nothing is wrong. Truth is, I’ve never been so alone in my life, I’m a complete mess, and I don’t know where to start. I’ve lost all sense of feeling, it’s all just hurt, anger, pain, indescribable pain. The pain that lingers, and haunts you, the pain that has no cure. I’m tired of not feeling loved, of being taken advantage of, when I would much rather be alone. No one understands, not even the people I love most.

Who Am I?

Even people I’ve known for so long soon become strangers to me. People change and grow tired of having you in their life. I’m my own best friend. It’s sad, but it is what it is. But it’s ironic because that’s how I live my life. I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I’m doing fine but I’m always dying inside, always one step away from the edge you know? I can’t be happy to be who I am because I don’t know who I am anymore.

I am depressed. I hurt myself. I want to kill myself. I have social anxiety. I get through a bottle of vodka - and yes, I am aware that this isn’t exactly helping but I have given medication, therapy, a try and it doesn’t work. I feel worse than ever. Alcohol is probably the only reason I am still here and knowing that makes me feel like a complete failure. Basically, this world and me don’t agree. And one day, one day soon this will all be over.

If only someone would understand.

"How are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine."

I'm insecure. I'm dying slowly. I tried so hard to take good care of  my appearance. I hate myself for eating so much and gained weight. Soon after, I became a bulimic. I purge out after every meal. I'm so AFRAID of gaining weight and not being “perfect” that I can't stop. If I ever binge, I throw my food up without anyone noticing. I wanna kill myself every breathing second. I cry myself to sleep every night because I cannot take my pathetic life anymore. I scream but no one ever hears me. No one will know how much blood I shed or how much tears I've cried. Even if I were to told you this, you wouldn't care.

As soon as I got attached they would leave, with some excuse. That’s when I learned that everyone leaves you eventually and promises are broken. So what, you're life isn't bad? That's what you guys are probably thinking. But, for me this is just the start of my downwards spiral.

Confessions.

My depression is pulling me into a pool of darkness. I struggle to stay at the surface. I kick and pull at the water but I keep on sinking. I look down trying to see the bottom, but there isn't one. I can see the top of the water getting farther, and farther away. The bottom is inevitable. So i stopped trying, and just letting myself sink.

Sigh.

Right now I am completely hopeless. There is no light. There is only darkness and it is eating me alive. I feel like there is no looking up. No use. No point at all. I am tired of feeling like this. I am tired of feeling anything. But I am not afraid of these thoughts.

21ST CENTURY: TEENAGERS.

When you google "teenager" in dictionary, it comes up with “a person between the ages of 13 and 19”. Why doesn’t the dictionary tell us about the pains and struggles that comes with the word teenager? The nights we must spend getting home from school to study our asses off so we don’t get in trouble the next day. The fact that we have one year, and one year only to showcase how ‘smart’ we are by a stupid test that judges if we can handle what life has install for us. The fact that during that one year if we make one mistake, and we do terrible in one test that there is a chance that we may not graduate. The fact that teens have relationships, relationships which aren’t accepted in society as true because we’re only ‘teens’ and it’ll never last. The fact that us teens will fall the deepest in love during this time, and we’ll never see our parents love each other like what us teens can love but it just won’t be supported cause we’re only ‘teens’. The fact that we’re surrounded by people whom judge us every single day of our lives; we’re not pretty enough, we’re not smart enough, we’re not kind enough, we’re not generous enough. We’re just never enough for anyone. Society doesn’t know how hard it is to be a teen and get through a single day. They don’t know the statistics that everyday 17 people will take their own lives due to bullying. Because for a teen it’s much easier to leave this world than to fight, to fight for people to stop judging, to fight for people to accept love, to fight for people to realize that not everyone’s perfect. Media only shows one side of teenagers. So what, we get drunk, we take alcohol, we smoke, we slit our wrists. But this is how we learn, we’re teens. And when our parents were teens they would’ve done just the same. But there’s reasons behind this anger. There’s reasons behind every girl that doesn’t eat for days so she can loose weight. There’s reasons behind every boy that gets drunk every night. There’s reasons behind the number of suicides everyday being a large number. I think the dictionary should change its definition of what a teenager is to ‘a person between the ages of 13 and 19 that has to battle through the most intolerable hardships in their lives and must always be seen with a smile just so society won’t judge them.’ Because being a teen is so hard, and for everyday for every battle that we get through we deserve society’s acceptance and love but welcome to the 21st century; it’s way too much to ask for isn’t it?

You know what?

I think we spend too much time wondering why we’re not good enough. We spend too much time over-analyzing, over-thinking, and overreacting. We waste too much time putting ourselves down, so much that we don’t ever stop to see that well, we are good enough. You are good enough. We spend too much time with our heads down and hearts closed, and never get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and tomorrow is another day.

Wreck Inside.

One thing I really hate about myself is the fact that I can never tell people how I really feel because I don’t want to say too much. I’m afraid it will either hurt them or push them away, depending on the situation. I guess sometimes I keep my thoughts to myself too often and end up regretting not saying what is on my mind. Every time I try and tell someone how I feel, I get stuck or I don’t bring anything up at all. I guess it’s just a bad habit. I’d love to miraculously break it one of these days.

Girls Crying Over An Asshole.

If he wanted you that bad, he would ask you to be his. If he wanted to talk to you, he would make an effort to call you or text you. If he cares about you so much, he would show it. Why are you wasting your time on someone who will never be yours and why are you waiting for someone who can never be worth your time? There's other guys out there and you're actually missing out on someone who gives a fuck about you and who's afraid to lose you. So stop leaning you happiness and expectations on a guy that brings back disappointment to you all the time. Isn't that tiring? To pick up after someone who breaks their promises all the time.

Nowhere to be found.

What's my problem? My problem is that I am hurt. No, it’s not the kind of hurting when I lose a best friend, or when I get my heart broken by the boy that I love. This hurt is brought on by myself. Blaming myself for whatever goes wrong. Hurting myself to deal with everything. A hurt that I don’t know why it is there, it just is. I do everything you can to get rid of it, but nothing works. Nothing has ever worked. When people ask me what’s wrong, I don’t tell the truth. Instead, I say I’m fine and force a smile. Some people may say that they do this just so they aren’t a burden to everyone. Sometimes, that is the case. But normally it’s just that my pain just can’t be put into words anymore.

Though I'm Incomplete: I don't chase, I just do as I please.

I’m not the kind of person that goes around chasing others. If you are expecting me to always be running after you, and always trying to talk to you and keep up conversations, you are severely mistaken. I don’t have time to chase men, because there are so many things in this life that I need to do. If you would like to tag along in my life, then you are more then welcome. I’m just tired to always be the one chasing after someone and ending up with nothing.

People try to tell me, but I never wanna hear because most of them are snakes hissing up in my ear. They think I'm so dumb, just because I'm so young. I've been through hell but you could never tell, cause I learned to hide it well. This is the life I live, that's just the way it is. So many things I've done that I wish I never did. I'm trying to be the best, but that just causes stress. I feel like dropping the pen so I can finally rest. I know it isn't right, I know it so wrong but what can I do when its been like this for so long? Don't try to understand, because you never will. You think it's just a lie. Well, look me in the eyes and you can see just how incomplete I feel inside. Take a look at me, and see through all the pride, you'll find all the pain and all the fear inside. Don't you save me cause I just wanna be on my own. Echoes in my head. Looking back into the times when I could wake from this nightmare, and now my eyes are locked shut and I can't find my way home. I know I've made my mistakes. I'm only human, we're all the same. Things I'll pay for, for the rest of my life but who are you to blame? I can't take the weight of the world on on my shoulders. There's something missing from me, I must be incomplete.

Not a Choice.

People who think Depression is a choice, take a second to think.
How would it feel to wake up and not have the emotional strength to face people?

• To think that time is just passing by with no real reason.
• To feel so alone even when you are sitting in a room full of people.
• To have to put on a face and hide your feelings because no one would care anyway.
• To lose friends because you can't find the strength to go out and you can't physically be 'happy'.
• To cry yourself to sleep, hoping you wouldn't wake up then when you do you are exhausted from the night before, and it all starts again.
• You try to hide your feelings hoping no one would notice and if you slip up all you get called is attention seeking and 'emo'.

Now tell me why someone would choose that? Depression is an illness, not a choice.

Set Me On Fire.

I look so far into the future that I end up overlooking what’s going on right now. I get so caught up in what’s going to happen rather than think about what is happening. Sometimes, I wonder how I handle present matters if all I ever do is think about things that will come my way, or not. It’s a habit of mine to think about tomorrow today. My little way of preparing myself, I guess. I don’t know why, but I usually end up creating the worst possible situations in my head. Like I expect the worse, but hope for the best. Maybe it’s because of my past experiences, who knows. I just know that if I keep doing this to myself, it’ll eventually come back and bite me in the ass.