Mad World.

I wish people were more appreciative of the things they are given. I see so many instances with my friends, and even complete strangers where they are; to put it bluntly, being spoiled fucking brats. Someone worked hard to give you the great things you have. If you work for yourself, this doesn’t always apply to you. Even still. This generation carries such a sense of entitlement. It’s all me, me, me, or that’s mine, mine, mine. I hardly meet someone who cares about someone else, or who even thinks to make the time to give a shit. I don’t ask for much. Just that you step away from yourself on occasion to appreciate that even at it’s seemingly worst moments, life’s not that bad. Be thankful that most of you know who your family is and were able to grow up in something relatively stable, with government regulations to at least keep you reasonably safe. We have so much here and it’s all taken for granted. Take advantage of the opportunities you’re given and realize how special they are; but never forget how lucky you are. Self-absorption is generally repulsive. Give a few shits every now and then. It’s not too hard. It just doesn’t make sense to me how selfish and ignorant people are.

Drifting by the Silence.

I constantly wonder how my life looks in other peoples lives. Do they think I have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going for myself? Or are they fascinated with who I am? The thing is no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things I’ve had to overcome. Not even my closest friends, not even my own family. People are so quick to judge nowadays. You only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. I always try to look as put together as I can, and I guess that’s my way of hiding from the truth. It’s just that way that everyone will assume that every thing in my life is okay. That I never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken I am, and how I’m holding on for dear life on this one last strand that's recently become very delicate. The truth is no one really knows me.

No one will ever know me, and sometimes that really scares me.

And, this is for you:

Just thought I should let you know. I just want you to know that I have been here all along, just waiting. Waiting for you to notice me, waiting for you to care. Waiting for you to say that you have been waiting too, waiting for you to say that you feel the same way as I do.

One day if we will never talk again, there is something you must know. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have come this far. I feel at my best when you are by my side. Maybe this is the only way to tell you- you are a wonderful person and make life actually seem worth it. 

<3

I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling empty inside. I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling stuck. I’m tired of feeling crazy. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of dreaming of a life I will never have. I’m tired of missing things. I’m tired of missing people. I’m tired of remembering. I’m tired of wishing I could start all over. I’m tired of not being able to just let go. I’m tired of faking it. I’m tired of being different. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of needing help. I’m tired of always wondering when God is finally going to let me be happy. Most of all, I just I’m just tired of being tired.

Romance is Dead.

It’s upsetting to think that someone can, after so long, so many memories and so much love, just turn around and say, “Sorry, I don’t love you anymore.” After everything they have gone through, it hurts to think about how somebody can change their mind on such a thing as their love for another. I can’t even begin to understand the reasons behind this. I know things change and nothing lasts, but I just can’t seem to comprehend how can a feeling change, just like that, in a blink of an eye? And it scares me, so much.

Marilyn Motherfucking Monroe ♥

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you’ve never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

I'm broken. Stay away from me.

I’m sick of going home every night with no one to talk to. I feel useless, it makes me feel so alone. It sucks not having someone there to talk to, or help you when you are feeling down.I am running out of things to tell myself that things will get better.my confidence is getting lower by the minute.

Everyone always says “good things come to the ones that wait”.

That is complete and utter bullshit. I have done my time, I have waited enough and I don’t have the energy to wait any longer. This is me giving up. I don’t have the energy to get my hopes up and watch them get crushed anymore.

I want to tell someone so badly what I am going through, but I know they’ll only judge me, consider me a failure because I made so much progress only to slide all the way back down into the hole that I manage to keep making deeper. I dare not tell anyone, but deep down, under all the walls, all the fake smiles and fasle anwers to the question “How are you doing?”, I wish and I yearn for someone, somewhere, to look striaght through me and see that, I am wasting away, dying inside and screaming for someone anyone to understand. I’m so upset, I’m so sad, I’m so lonely, I’m so ugly, I’m so stupid, I’m so useless. Every day I am struggling with this pain in my chest that won’t go away and keeps getting bigger heavier and with each moment more and more unbareable. No one knows what I’m going through, and I am certain no one ever will. I’m a waste of life. 

This is for the broken-hearted.

I know how you feel. Empty, betrayed, and no happiness whatsoever.

 

You don’t want to laugh, because you know it’s not going to help, but you don’t want to cry, because it will just make you feel worse. 

You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, but you know soon your life is going to feel like it’s falling apart too. 

You don’t think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. 

And everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That’s the confusing part, you don’t know why, you just do, and the people who hurt you the most, and normally the ones you love the most. 

And then, after a few weeks, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you’re getting happy again, but you know inside that you’re just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you’re back to where you were an empty soul and teary eyes. You thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it. 

And you can’t help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on your heart that are there forever.

 And no one understands how you feel, and how deep you are hurt, no matter who they are, because it hasn’t happened to them And even if it has, every broken heart is different. 

They don’t know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this.

 And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you just break down, right there, because you know you’ve had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing, and you’re to the point where you don’t care who see’s. Because you’ve spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. 

And in the midst of all these tears, you know that its not helping any, and it’s not going to bring them back, if you ever even had them in the first place. After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself back together and keep going. Your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you are trying to hold back. Everyone says, “It will be okay…” But you know it won’t. 

And that’s the truth, it won’t. And you look back on all of the hurt you had from this, and you realize that people are horrible. You’re still hurt, but you’ve learned to hide it so that everyone thinks you are okay.

 So now every time you see this person, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart yearning for them to love you, screaming out, but for some reason they don’t hear it. 

And then you sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all of this.

Ouch.

 

I’ve been dealing with a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. And really, there’s nothing wrong in my life that would cause these suicidal thoughts to arise. It’s just something in me gone haywire. It’s like a part of me that’s not really a part of me that I can kind of talk back to. It sounds otherworldly and crazy.

Rant.

I’ll admit, I have trouble controlling my anger. I keep it within me and I lash out when people least expect it. I have trouble expressing myself through words and this paragraph will take me a fair few minutes to write. I think, I think too much. I wish for loyal friends, or for a less dysfunctional family. I wish for a better body, or for better grades in school. I do a lot of wishing, but everything backfires. I don’t understand why people treat me like dirt just because I'm just so fucking nice to them and always giving in when it comes to shits. I can openly say that I have never treated someone in a low regard until they’ve back-stabbed me, which leaves me asking myself, what did I do wrong in the first place? I’ve noticed that I push people away. I’m the type of girl who builds walls instead of bridges, I’ve always said forgiveness is like giving someone permission to hurt you again. But now I feel so fucking lonely, all the time.

Starve The Pain.

I think everyone has a certain part of their life where they truly wish they could freeze time. Whether it was three years ago, today, or still to come. Whether it was just a moment, a whole day, or a whole summer. Everyone has a time in their life where they wish everything would just stop, the world would stop turning and the people would stop changing. Because to them, at that time, everything was perfect.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong, and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. Like nothing matters. Like you’re floating on air, yet immensely weighed down. As though you could talk for days, yet the words just won’t come out. You wish you could tell someone, anyone.But you look around at the crowd and come to the realization that there really is no one to turn to. The only reason I don't respond truthfully when someone asks me what's wrong is because I know that most of the time people don't care about my problems and they just want to know what's going on because it satisfies them to know everything that goes on with everyone. Everyone keeps telling me “everything happens for a reason.” But maybe sometimes, it doesn’t. Maybe sometimes, things just happen. And you’re left standing there trying to sort everything out because you had it under control, and then suddenly you don’t anymore. Sometimes the world just shifts under your feet for no apparent reason, and you’re left to pick up the wreckage. You don’t know where it came from, but there it is. Sometimes you don’t get the luxury of reason. It amazes me how easy it is for things to change, how easy it is to start off down the same road you always take and wind up somewhere new. It’s never occurred to me before; I’ve never been able to see it. And it makes me feel, weirdly, like maybe all of these different possibilities exist at the same time, like each moment we live has a thousand other moments layered underneath it that look different.

Sometimes things just happen to you, and you’ll never know why.

You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately you can’t be that precise and selective when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life.

Why do all good things come to an end? No, seriously, I have come to the conclusion that everything good in life, especially in mine, always comes to an end. Nothing lasts forever even if it may seem like it for a little while. But one day it would disappear right in front of your eyes and you would be so use to it being there with you, you wouldn't even realize it.

The Truth.

I'm tired of everyone yelling at me. I want someone to actually ask me "What's wrong?", as if they really cared. People keep asking me what are my wants, and I'll always been wanting to scream it out loud, "To be HAPPY!" I'm feeling empty. Incomplete. Worthless. I'm lacking motivation, but all I want to be is successful. Sometimes I become too overwhelmed with my life. I just want everything to pause for one moment. Everything is just not the way I want it to be. I want to escape. Runaway. To be somewhere without feeling like a piece of me is missing. I’m tired of being so strong, of having to act like nothing is wrong. Truth is, I’ve never been so alone in my life, I’m a complete mess, and I don’t know where to start. I’ve lost all sense of feeling, it’s all just hurt, anger, pain, indescribable pain. The pain that lingers, and haunts you, the pain that has no cure. I’m tired of not feeling loved, of being taken advantage of, when I would much rather be alone. No one understands, not even the people I love most.

Who Am I?

Even people I’ve known for so long soon become strangers to me. People change and grow tired of having you in their life. I’m my own best friend. It’s sad, but it is what it is. But it’s ironic because that’s how I live my life. I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I’m doing fine but I’m always dying inside, always one step away from the edge you know? I can’t be happy to be who I am because I don’t know who I am anymore.

I am depressed. I hurt myself. I want to kill myself. I have social anxiety. I get through a bottle of vodka - and yes, I am aware that this isn’t exactly helping but I have given medication, therapy, a try and it doesn’t work. I feel worse than ever. Alcohol is probably the only reason I am still here and knowing that makes me feel like a complete failure. Basically, this world and me don’t agree. And one day, one day soon this will all be over.

If only someone would understand.

"How are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine."

I'm insecure. I'm dying slowly. I tried so hard to take good care of  my appearance. I hate myself for eating so much and gained weight. Soon after, I became a bulimic. I purge out after every meal. I'm so AFRAID of gaining weight and not being “perfect” that I can't stop. If I ever binge, I throw my food up without anyone noticing. I wanna kill myself every breathing second. I cry myself to sleep every night because I cannot take my pathetic life anymore. I scream but no one ever hears me. No one will know how much blood I shed or how much tears I've cried. Even if I were to told you this, you wouldn't care.

As soon as I got attached they would leave, with some excuse. That’s when I learned that everyone leaves you eventually and promises are broken. So what, you're life isn't bad? That's what you guys are probably thinking. But, for me this is just the start of my downwards spiral.

Confessions.

My depression is pulling me into a pool of darkness. I struggle to stay at the surface. I kick and pull at the water but I keep on sinking. I look down trying to see the bottom, but there isn't one. I can see the top of the water getting farther, and farther away. The bottom is inevitable. So i stopped trying, and just letting myself sink.

Sigh.

Right now I am completely hopeless. There is no light. There is only darkness and it is eating me alive. I feel like there is no looking up. No use. No point at all. I am tired of feeling like this. I am tired of feeling anything. But I am not afraid of these thoughts.

21ST CENTURY: TEENAGERS.

When you google "teenager" in dictionary, it comes up with “a person between the ages of 13 and 19”. Why doesn’t the dictionary tell us about the pains and struggles that comes with the word teenager? The nights we must spend getting home from school to study our asses off so we don’t get in trouble the next day. The fact that we have one year, and one year only to showcase how ‘smart’ we are by a stupid test that judges if we can handle what life has install for us. The fact that during that one year if we make one mistake, and we do terrible in one test that there is a chance that we may not graduate. The fact that teens have relationships, relationships which aren’t accepted in society as true because we’re only ‘teens’ and it’ll never last. The fact that us teens will fall the deepest in love during this time, and we’ll never see our parents love each other like what us teens can love but it just won’t be supported cause we’re only ‘teens’. The fact that we’re surrounded by people whom judge us every single day of our lives; we’re not pretty enough, we’re not smart enough, we’re not kind enough, we’re not generous enough. We’re just never enough for anyone. Society doesn’t know how hard it is to be a teen and get through a single day. They don’t know the statistics that everyday 17 people will take their own lives due to bullying. Because for a teen it’s much easier to leave this world than to fight, to fight for people to stop judging, to fight for people to accept love, to fight for people to realize that not everyone’s perfect. Media only shows one side of teenagers. So what, we get drunk, we take alcohol, we smoke, we slit our wrists. But this is how we learn, we’re teens. And when our parents were teens they would’ve done just the same. But there’s reasons behind this anger. There’s reasons behind every girl that doesn’t eat for days so she can loose weight. There’s reasons behind every boy that gets drunk every night. There’s reasons behind the number of suicides everyday being a large number. I think the dictionary should change its definition of what a teenager is to ‘a person between the ages of 13 and 19 that has to battle through the most intolerable hardships in their lives and must always be seen with a smile just so society won’t judge them.’ Because being a teen is so hard, and for everyday for every battle that we get through we deserve society’s acceptance and love but welcome to the 21st century; it’s way too much to ask for isn’t it?

You know what?

I think we spend too much time wondering why we’re not good enough. We spend too much time over-analyzing, over-thinking, and overreacting. We waste too much time putting ourselves down, so much that we don’t ever stop to see that well, we are good enough. You are good enough. We spend too much time with our heads down and hearts closed, and never get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and tomorrow is another day.

Wreck Inside.

One thing I really hate about myself is the fact that I can never tell people how I really feel because I don’t want to say too much. I’m afraid it will either hurt them or push them away, depending on the situation. I guess sometimes I keep my thoughts to myself too often and end up regretting not saying what is on my mind. Every time I try and tell someone how I feel, I get stuck or I don’t bring anything up at all. I guess it’s just a bad habit. I’d love to miraculously break it one of these days.

Girls Crying Over An Asshole.

If he wanted you that bad, he would ask you to be his. If he wanted to talk to you, he would make an effort to call you or text you. If he cares about you so much, he would show it. Why are you wasting your time on someone who will never be yours and why are you waiting for someone who can never be worth your time? There's other guys out there and you're actually missing out on someone who gives a fuck about you and who's afraid to lose you. So stop leaning you happiness and expectations on a guy that brings back disappointment to you all the time. Isn't that tiring? To pick up after someone who breaks their promises all the time.

Nowhere to be found.

What's my problem? My problem is that I am hurt. No, it’s not the kind of hurting when I lose a best friend, or when I get my heart broken by the boy that I love. This hurt is brought on by myself. Blaming myself for whatever goes wrong. Hurting myself to deal with everything. A hurt that I don’t know why it is there, it just is. I do everything you can to get rid of it, but nothing works. Nothing has ever worked. When people ask me what’s wrong, I don’t tell the truth. Instead, I say I’m fine and force a smile. Some people may say that they do this just so they aren’t a burden to everyone. Sometimes, that is the case. But normally it’s just that my pain just can’t be put into words anymore.

Though I'm Incomplete: I don't chase, I just do as I please.

I’m not the kind of person that goes around chasing others. If you are expecting me to always be running after you, and always trying to talk to you and keep up conversations, you are severely mistaken. I don’t have time to chase men, because there are so many things in this life that I need to do. If you would like to tag along in my life, then you are more then welcome. I’m just tired to always be the one chasing after someone and ending up with nothing.

People try to tell me, but I never wanna hear because most of them are snakes hissing up in my ear. They think I'm so dumb, just because I'm so young. I've been through hell but you could never tell, cause I learned to hide it well. This is the life I live, that's just the way it is. So many things I've done that I wish I never did. I'm trying to be the best, but that just causes stress. I feel like dropping the pen so I can finally rest. I know it isn't right, I know it so wrong but what can I do when its been like this for so long? Don't try to understand, because you never will. You think it's just a lie. Well, look me in the eyes and you can see just how incomplete I feel inside. Take a look at me, and see through all the pride, you'll find all the pain and all the fear inside. Don't you save me cause I just wanna be on my own. Echoes in my head. Looking back into the times when I could wake from this nightmare, and now my eyes are locked shut and I can't find my way home. I know I've made my mistakes. I'm only human, we're all the same. Things I'll pay for, for the rest of my life but who are you to blame? I can't take the weight of the world on on my shoulders. There's something missing from me, I must be incomplete.

Not a Choice.

People who think Depression is a choice, take a second to think.
How would it feel to wake up and not have the emotional strength to face people?

• To think that time is just passing by with no real reason.
• To feel so alone even when you are sitting in a room full of people.
• To have to put on a face and hide your feelings because no one would care anyway.
• To lose friends because you can't find the strength to go out and you can't physically be 'happy'.
• To cry yourself to sleep, hoping you wouldn't wake up then when you do you are exhausted from the night before, and it all starts again.
• You try to hide your feelings hoping no one would notice and if you slip up all you get called is attention seeking and 'emo'.

Now tell me why someone would choose that? Depression is an illness, not a choice.

Set Me On Fire.

I look so far into the future that I end up overlooking what’s going on right now. I get so caught up in what’s going to happen rather than think about what is happening. Sometimes, I wonder how I handle present matters if all I ever do is think about things that will come my way, or not. It’s a habit of mine to think about tomorrow today. My little way of preparing myself, I guess. I don’t know why, but I usually end up creating the worst possible situations in my head. Like I expect the worse, but hope for the best. Maybe it’s because of my past experiences, who knows. I just know that if I keep doing this to myself, it’ll eventually come back and bite me in the ass.